tonatA man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
12/29/2008
12/17/2008
fending off shark attacks
"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
The Children's Society
The purpose of this book is to "help practitioners working with young carers and their families to provide better support for them". This help recognises the disadvantage that young carers are exposed to, sometimes inadvertently by professionals. The philosophy of the book is that young carers are first and foremost children and that practitioners need to do their utmost to promote this.
The book is divided into three clear sections; firstly, the background and context to being a young carer, including acknowledging the gross underestimate in the 2001 census of the number of young carers in the UK. Secondly, the summary of legislation and guidance which surrounds practice with young carers and thirdly, six key principles of practice.
These principles are the core of the book and encourage practitioners to think deeply about the context of young carers and working in partnership to balance the needs of the child and the dependent adult or sibling. These principles, which range from micro to macro, are thought-provoking and should provide a positive framework promoting the outcomes for young carers.
Jane Reeves is research lead in the Department of Family Care and Mental Health at Greenwich University
The book is divided into three clear sections; firstly, the background and context to being a young carer, including acknowledging the gross underestimate in the 2001 census of the number of young carers in the UK. Secondly, the summary of legislation and guidance which surrounds practice with young carers and thirdly, six key principles of practice.
These principles are the core of the book and encourage practitioners to think deeply about the context of young carers and working in partnership to balance the needs of the child and the dependent adult or sibling. These principles, which range from micro to macro, are thought-provoking and should provide a positive framework promoting the outcomes for young carers.
Jane Reeves is research lead in the Department of Family Care and Mental Health at Greenwich University
10/31/2008
Spelling
A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise: Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise: Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
10/21/2008
Drinking With Jesus
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'
10/17/2008
Phantom Dumper
I had a very boozy night out with some mates, and met up with a couple of girls who stayed over at mine with us. I did the gentlemanly thing by letting them stay in my bed, whilst I wasn't in it, without even vaguely pestering them to play hide the sausage with me.
Next morning we get up. Hungover to the point of being the critical list. All of us. I go to the bathroom and see shitty fingerprints on the wall by the bog. Evidence of someone in distress gripping for purchase. I found these smears rather disturbing. No one admits to them.
The girls leave, commenting that the flat smells of shit. Not the best impression. I have no sense of smell having imbibed all of the world's evils on the previous night. I set my friends on the task of locating the offending area.
Eventually we found it. A large black liquid dump on top of a bin bag by the front door of my flat.
Drunk and incoherent one of my mates had got up in the night, not found the bog, squatted and shat on a bin bag full of rubbish in my hall *then* realised what a mess he was in, staggered to and located the toilet, smeared shit up the walls, attempted to sort himself out and eventually returned to bed.
Neither of my mates admitted to it, but we had our suspicions. It was black and practically had a head on it, and one guy had been drinking guinness all night immediately after flying home from LA. The last thing I saw of him that night was him sat on the bed, vomiting into my favourite mug.
Instead of dragging admissions out of people, we did the honourable thing and we all dealt with it, in the manner a Hollywood moview where college kids commit some terrible murder and swear to never speak of it again.
Oops.
Next morning we get up. Hungover to the point of being the critical list. All of us. I go to the bathroom and see shitty fingerprints on the wall by the bog. Evidence of someone in distress gripping for purchase. I found these smears rather disturbing. No one admits to them.
The girls leave, commenting that the flat smells of shit. Not the best impression. I have no sense of smell having imbibed all of the world's evils on the previous night. I set my friends on the task of locating the offending area.
Eventually we found it. A large black liquid dump on top of a bin bag by the front door of my flat.
Drunk and incoherent one of my mates had got up in the night, not found the bog, squatted and shat on a bin bag full of rubbish in my hall *then* realised what a mess he was in, staggered to and located the toilet, smeared shit up the walls, attempted to sort himself out and eventually returned to bed.
Neither of my mates admitted to it, but we had our suspicions. It was black and practically had a head on it, and one guy had been drinking guinness all night immediately after flying home from LA. The last thing I saw of him that night was him sat on the bed, vomiting into my favourite mug.
Instead of dragging admissions out of people, we did the honourable thing and we all dealt with it, in the manner a Hollywood moview where college kids commit some terrible murder and swear to never speak of it again.
Oops.
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